Is it always personal? Navigating complex friendship dynamics

Over the weekend, I found myself engaged in a heartfelt conversation with a friend who confided in me about the challenges she was facing within her friendship circle. She described a constant struggle, feeling consistently misunderstood and misinterpreted. As someone who deeply values ethics and sensitivity, she found it profoundly troubling to be continually perceived in a certain light. Having to argue and justify herself against what seemed to be someone else's projections had taken an emotional toll on her.

I resonated with her experience, having encountered similar situations in the past, particularly within various friendship groups. I was often relied upon as the group's rescuer until I made a conscious decision to step away from that dynamic. My friend, however, was not contemplating leaving her friendship group; rather, she sought advice on how to cope with the feelings of inadequacy.

In response, I posed a crucial question that has served as a lifeline for me when navigating life's challenges. I asked her, "If someone else with similar broad-stroke personality traits were in your shoes, would they be treated the same way?" Her immediate recognition that someone with comparable sensitivity, ethical values, and a caring nature would likely face the same treatment marked a turning point for her. Realising that the situation was not truly personal enabled her to let go of the hurt and confusion. It also encouraged her to consider setting boundaries and reflecting on how she was engaging within the group dynamic.

Understanding that such issues often stem from someone else's unresolved struggles, rather than being a reflection of ourselves, is transformative. Unlike Karpman’s drama triangle, where there is a clear persecutor, victim, and rescuer, certain small group dynamics function differently. If one individual is accustomed to gaining power and support in the group through positioning themselves as a victim and calling on rescuers to make them feel secure, then in the absence of an actual persecutor, they will unconsciously create one. This dynamic can leave us utterly bewildered.

This perspective has prompted me to reflect on my own life, particularly incidents from my youth. If another child with similar broad-stroke personality traits had been in my place, facing the school bully, would they have endured the same hardship? Undoubtedly, yes. This realisation led me to understand how wounds and scars can be carried along our personal timelines, triggering us to ruminate over what we did to deserve certain experiences.

The metaphorical scab that we compulsively pick at can persist for years, causing us to revisit and struggle with the past. However, asking oneself a single question can be enough to break this cycle—seeing the event for what it was and allowing oneself the time and space to heal.

Once we have depersonalised the triggering event, the inner work begins:

• Why did I take it personally if it wasn't really about me?

• What negative beliefs about myself surfaced in that situation?

• How am I showing up in these situations in a disempowered way?

• Do I know and accept myself well enough if I am not challenging what feels untrue?

Exploring the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that contributed to attracting the interpersonal dynamic allows us to bring hidden aspects of ourselves into conscious awareness for healing and transformation.

Approaching relationship conflicts with a growth mindset requires becoming observers of ourselves, distinguishing between what is and what is not our responsibility. It is not about making the other person wrong; rather, it is about recognising that they are unconsciously working through their own issues. If it is not personal to us, we can imagine someone else stepping into the same role, shedding light on the unresolved issues that the other person needs to address—issues that have nothing to do with us.

Reflecting on my life, I have realised that I inadvertently sought out certain friendships as a means of working through family dynamics that I could not safely address within my own family. Friendships became a space in which to process unresolved wounds with individuals who, often unbeknownst to me at the time, mirrored family personalities and traits.

Through self-observation and a commitment to viewing things objectively, I have become increasingly aware of my own unresolved triggers. Recognising that much of what happens to us in life is not inherently personal enables us to reduce the hindsight required to reach understanding. With practice, we can reflect almost in real-time and ask ourselves essential questions:

• What is this triggering within me?

• What personal history is being stirred up?

• What can I let go of to empower myself and transform the potential outcome?

Navigating the complexities of our subconscious, as well as that of others, is an ongoing journey. It is about self-discovery, releasing unnecessary emotional baggage, and fostering empowered, authentic relationships. The awareness gained from these experiences enables us to embrace personal growth and develop the ability to reflect even in the heat of the moment.